I need some opinions on my lyrics, please!

[katie]

Are these any good or should i just go back to classical piano?


I took this girl, perfectly whole
hijacked her life, then crashed her into hurt
I turned her love into drops of blood
on razor's edge, yea i almost was her hearse
then I broke her up, piece by piece
fed her to loneliness
til there was nothing left but me

I killed a girl who had so much going for her
I, took her life without a reason why
and when i beat her up
threw her back into love
couldn't stop the blood
couldn't stop that blood
how could she love
so weak she couldn't even look up

I let her cheat, and lie for a while
filled her up with guilt
but truth just ain't my style
so i made her leave and rot some more
does she even know what shes dying for?
and soon that guilt became regret
says shes not crying but her eyes are wet

I killed a girl who had so much going for her
I took her life without a reason why
and when i beat her up
threw her back into love
couldn't stop the blood
couldn't stop that blood
how could she love
so weak she couldn't even look up

And now she's fallen for another guy
he doesn't love her
coukdn't kill her better if i tried
gone so far now, he died in her eyes
her ghost is haunted with this goodbye
locked in this casket, she cries for help
i suffocate her, so she can't yell

seconds from hell, she closes her eyes
her grave is marked with bleeding goodbyes
i took her down and stole her life
inside this corpse, there is no light
too scared to fight, to scared to tell
now it's to late, can't save herself

I killed a girl who had so much going for her
I, took her life without a reason why
and when i beat her up
threw her back into love
couldn't stop the blood
couldn't stop that blood
how could she love
so weak she couldn't even look up

[kathys]

i really like it!!! it really provides great detail, and although i can't find it too relateable, i think it's fantastic!good job!

[Hollee]

That is some really amazing work. I love your word choice. I think you should definitely keep writing, but keep with the piano too you may be able to put together something very awesome one day!

[katie]

Thanks

[Liznaxadalia]

[RowdyJayJay]

I"m trying to translate these good lyrics into some melody in my head..hehe nicely written though, of course you can't go wrong with classical piano either!


Jay

[David]

Those are all really good. I like Jay, was trying to read those in my head to a melody, because those would make awesome songs!!!

[ZachE]

I dug it... theres a great level of intensity flowing in the lyrics, keep it up

[The Gray Earl]

In theory, they look pretty good. I would love to hear them sung or spoken in rhythm though, because some of the lines have too many/too few syllables to go with the rest of the song. And why not do classical piano, with singing?

[katie]

I realize that the end of the song has a few too many lines, i might need to take a couple out but i cant decide which ones if i take out any. Haha, im a complete failure at singing, but i am attempting to learn guitar so i can put some music with my lyrics. I tried piano but i didnt sound right with any of my songs..

[The Gray Earl]

Actually, the final verse being longer is probably fine, but I had meant more so that there are lines which are too many syllables. For ex. "Yea I almost was her hearse" is seven long, the one before it in the song is 5, the one before that 6, and the one before that 4.