a poem by me :) any advice?

[paulmason]

im looking for advice on how to write poems. This is one of my less personal ones, and i think its better than my other ones because its got more of a storyline, if that makes sense. the more personal a poem is to me, the less storylike it becomes, and it becomes more of a poetic rant. so keeping that in mind, any advice? (dont be scared to criticise)

I stumble through the trees
in the red skied night
I look down the well
the water glistens in the moonlight
I toss my gold coin into the dark abyss
thinking of you
i make my wish
I look back on my travels
and all the wrong turns
I twitch in my sleep
as this precious dream burns
I run though the ashes as the world falls down
I find you and hold you as the whole land drowns
you save me from death with one final kiss
then i snap awake and remember my wish
As im gasping for breath
holding onto my sheets
i would conquer the world
and a thousand more feats
because i know itd be all worthwhile
because my wish was to see your wonderful smile

i may have layed that out wrong
anyways, this is how i vent, im not planning on bein a poet anytime soon

[Dagan_Rage]

It's actually pretty good!

Poetry in general is a pretty diverse medium, dozens of styles and even more interpretation.
I personally judge the quality of a poem on how it affects me, can i see myself in the "journey" the poem takes me?

In your case....yes
I can see myself in your poem and I find myself taking the journey with you.

Now here is a proposition for you, I have "clusters" or random thoughts that I cannot put into poem or lyric form. So i'll set them here and you can run with them if you want to.

1...
I roll over to a pillow...that hasn't held you head in years
My pillow knows only sorrow...soaking wet from tears
You were put into the ground this day...so many nights gone by
On the wings of angels you flew from me...look down and see me cry

2...(based on a mirror concept)
Every morning I awake to see...a shell of a man staring back at me
am i the reflection...or the reality

[paulmason]

Sorry it took me a while to reply, i actually really like your "clusters".
Heres something i made, although i couldnt really relate to them.
Hope you like it.

I lay in my bed
to calm the storms in my head
the darkness becomes my new best friend
i get lost under the cover
and think back to my lover
why did our bliss have to come to an end
I hold onto your pillow
that hasnt seen you in years
your pillow drowns in my sorrow
as my eyes well up with tears
I rip at the sheets as i plummet into my dreams
but it is only my sanity which is torn at the seams
my thoughts stumble and fall as i drift off to sleep
this is my alternative to counting fluffy white sheep

I also like the mirror thing and might use that at some point

[Kairi]

[justsickpups]

Holy crap dude! You are good!! I wish I could come up with the same ideas as you... I also like poetry but it's difficult for me to write it.

[paulmason]

awwh shucks

thanks guys