An Explanation

[JayElle]

Hey all. If you don't really care to know me, read physical and mental health, self-pity, or anything along those lines, please don't read this. I'm not here to compare scars. More than anything this is meant for the awesome team of amabassadors and staff that I had the priviledge of working with (mostly last year). Especially those on the communications team.

I'm lying on the bed of my paid-for hotel room in a city I can't stand, but will be forced to live in for the next 2+ years. I forgot to take my combination of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication yesterday, so I can't even get up without feeling like I'm going to faint - it's like a permanent sense of vertigo - and all because my body has become so dependent on these chemicals that not taking them is akin to crack withdrawl. So what can I do? I've got my notebook propped on my legs and I'm going to write. I want to express the how's and why's of my failures.

Depression is not entirely new to me. It's been a part of my life ever since my family immigrated to Canada, existing with the familiarity of an imaginary friend after every day of prejudice and bullying. Ironic, because the comfort of the familiar is what needed, but it shouldn't have come in the form of a mood-altering mental disability. Yet, at the time, I could deal with it because it was very much come-and-go. Family, aspirations, day-dreaming, and music all became invaluable to warding off thoughts of self-harm and despair. Like Maya Angelous, "music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness."

So, everything got disarmingly better before it got worse. When I was 15 I was cheated on by my boyfriend. A harsh slap in the face, yes, but I'm not going to lament how tragically unfair it was, because I am in no way the only person to have experiences this. It was upsetting, but not unsettling. And like most young girls with low self-esteem, I moved on to relationship after relationship. That same year I fell victim to a controlling and sexually absuive relationship. Again, I'm not alone, but it was never something I shared with friends or parents (until I shared it with my therapist this year). Yet compared to so many gravely worse situations out there - a friend of mine in grade 5 was raped by her father who was finally arrested for it on Easter weekend (while I was there for a sleep over) - I thought I could get over it. I repressed both memories and moved on. I've been neglected and harassed, controlled, used, and discarded, but I figured that after each time, I just came out stronger.

Why then did the cumulation of all these past problems decide to envelope me in the second semester of my junior year of university?
I understand now that my ability to process such emotionally painful situations is virtually non-existant, but I never thought years and years of people mistreating people could lead to such a tangible hatred for humanity overall, or such a thick-woven depression in general. When in the firmest grip of it, I am unable to stop my every thought from snowballing downwards into a pit of self-loathing, putting me in an inherent state of distrust and a feeling that "I am not good enough." I've been in and out of the hospital with organ problems (cysts, appendix, and gall stones thus far), as well as medication side-effects. And I'm only 22. I'm active, I eat well, and I was even part of a national sailing team, yet it seems as though my body is giving up, like it has lived long enough and is now ready to decay into oblivion.

Functioning in and of itself is now the hardest thing I do every day. I've failed more classes in the last 3 semesters than at any other time in my life. I'm lucky that I still get to graduate this year. Not that many people would know unless I told them. My therapist calles me a marathon coper, but we're both worried about what happens when I run out of steam. Some things have obviously already suffered. My participation in all levels of sports, my relationships, even many of my extra-curricular activities. It is the latter that makes this drug-withdrawl rant somewhat relevant.

Music has always been on of my most dependable life buoys, even before I was diagnosed. I discovered Sick Puppies at a concert I went to, to see Shinedown and BB. Omitting all embellishment, I simply fell in love with the spirit of their music and its creators. Not to mention its world-wide family of supporters. It's why I worked hard at becoming and Ambassador. I came out of the gates at a break-neck gallop to fulfil all my responsibilities when I was accorded that exact priviledge. Then the depression hit and my ambassadorship was one of the first things to suffer. I slowed down, stopped, and then just disappeared. I am so sorry for that. But this is not an attempt to justify what I did. I am not looking for sympathy. I know Ambassadors on here have undergone similar problems and fulfilled all their duties expertly. Rather, this is a long-required confession, without the need for forgiveness or penance, but made because I can't take feeling so guilty.

I am sorry for deserting my duties and moreover abandoning this family and the music - music in general. But slowly, as I become more stable, I'm working on getting back in touch with music as a whole. This is a start.

In this hotel room, where I am staying because my career is stationing me and I'm supposed to be rental hunting, all I have is my friends (via phone and internet), and music. At the end of the day, it's one of the few things that I've consistently had, no matter what my income level or mental state. So I apologize to everyone for giving up, and I apologize to Emma, Mark, and Shim for forgetting how important music - especially their music - has been in my life.

This is all written in a very sensationalistic way, I know, and I don't really have any intention to further explain myself, nor to reply to any comments (probably). I can't promise that I'm back for good, that I won't take off again from time to time, and that this selfish way of mitigating my guilty conscious isn't going to be my only post for the next while, but I felt that at the very least I owed everyone some sort of explanation.

So cheers, dear ones.

<3 Jay

[kakugori]

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's important. Take your time, do what you can, comment if you want, don't if you don't. Other things can wait.

[stephb]

The previous person is right. Taking care of yourself is most important. Still loving the music is great but if you don't take care of yourself it probably won't matter in the long run. Sorry to be blunt about that. Anyway you can always re-apply to be an ambassador when you are up to it. I am sure everyone would welcome you back with open arms. Please take care!

[hamjen]

First of all, congratulations on the pending graduation. It seems you have overcome many things stacked against you to get to this point so I think you deserve a round of applause for that.

Second. I agree with what others have said here too. Taking care of yourself is the main priority and then let other things fall into place. Take care of yourself. We aren't going anywhere!!!

((hugs))

Jen

[angelbear425]

I also agree with what everyone else has said. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. The rest can wait.

[chandra]

agreed! take care of yourself and good luck to ya!:)